It was the manner of the defeat more than anything.
A striker considered brilliant enough to pay £300k a week, a striker who only last year was hailed as the “one man in a one man team”, and a heafty bulk of the England squad, for a team lavished with such riches, Manchester United made an “easy” draw look like a tie against Pele’s Brazil.
Olympiakos are a name synonymous with European mediocrity. Often the whipping boys in group stages, and stranger to the knockout stages as Justin Bieber is to shaving, this should have been a free pass to the quarters. What transpired was a display worthy of a championship team. Even that may be disrespectful!
The retribution on social media came like a not-too-unexpected tidal wave. Calls for the sacking of David Moyes resonated across the online world. Malicious and untrue stories circulated like wildfire. The New York Stock Exchange was even reported to have announced his sacking on Wednesday. This caused bookies to panic sufficiently enough to slash their odds, making him the favourite to be the next premier league manager to go. The story transpired to be false, but caused enough furore to set the world talking.
So, Moyesy, if you do get the boot, how are you going to respond?
As a thoroughly helpful organisation, we have come up with some tips to help you boost your kloodle profile, and really impress that next employer: Here are our 8 tips for David Moyes to enhance his kloodle profile.
1. List your Coaching and Managerial qualifications.
This may sound like an obvious choice, but proceed with caution, dear David! Many a premiership chairman will have watched United’s recent displays, and, like when you see a joyrider swerving all over the road, will question whether you have passed your test. We know you have, but it requires evidence! Listing your qualifications on your kloodle profile is a great way to prove to any sceptical chairman that you are sufficiently qualified for the job. Get them listed and they will worry no more.
2. List your Employment History.
20 years from now, when obsessed children look in the annals of footballing history, they will see your name written indelibly as Manchester United manager after a bloke who won a lot of trophies. Now, they are going to look at your record and nearly fall off their hoverboard. They aren’t going to believe it possible. Well, you tell em Dave. With your employment history nestled nicely in your kloodle profile, they will be able to see, clear as day, that you indeed once were the manager of the Red Devils, and, as far fetched as it seems, you helped us to a seventh place finish as defending champions. Respect!
3. Video Biography.
Any future employer is going to want to see your personality, and a video bio is a great way to do this. For you Dave, it isn’t abundantly clear that you possess one of these ‘personalities’. Dazzle them. Prove them wrong. By posting an energetic, lively and engaging introduction to who you are, your life’s work and what you are about, you are sure to get premier league chairmen the country over to bow to your charms and offer you your next job. Even if it is Vincent Tan.
Another great way to display your employability, Dave, is to list your former achievements. Now this may prove difficult. As good as Preston North End were, the majority of Premier League chairmen are foreign nowadays. They will probably have never heard of them. Not to worry! You can also include the titanic feats you achieved at Everton. You are worrying again aren’t you? Well don’t! They actually have to click on Roberto Martinez’s profile to see that he has done a much better job in only half a season. The vast majority are too busy sipping Pina Colada’s poolside in Dubai to bother with Roberto. You are safe!
5. Blog post on tactics.
We are now getting towards the really powerful stuff. As I am sure you already know, Dave, Kloodle provides a dynamic way to showcase your abilities, and blog posts represent one of a few ways you can do this. So it is important that you engage FULLY. One of the best things to blog about is knowledge and skills you have learnt about and can describe to others. Sometimes, it is equally as valid to write a series of blog posts that describe a learning journey, from start to finish. After watching the reds against Olympiakos, I feel you may benefit from a journey like this. Lets talk tactics. You can start to learn about them now. If you type the term into google, you will get a whole host of starter material that will set you on your way. As you progress, Dave, you will be able to concentrate on specific facets of tactics and write in greater detail. But whoa, horsey, you have to walk before you can run. Start with google and go from there.
6. Photographs of you in the hot seat.
Kloodle also provides a photo upload function, designed to allow you to take photographs of you in a work place or learning scenario, and provide evidence for future employers to see what you are all about. This could be a good opportunity to get a few last snaps of you milling around Old Trafford. You know, in the dressing room, on the pitch, in the dugout. There is also a handsome reward for any photographic evidence that Tom Cleverley exists. He has been a master of disguise, so don’t let him get away from you David. His latest trick is to disguise himself as an England player – do not be fooled! Ask him to kick a ball about and it will soon become apparent that he is not an England player’s brother.
7. Videos of games
Our video upload facility allows you to upload evidence of your work in the form of a video. This is designed to showcase to any future employers how you work, give an insight into your personality, and provide hard evidence for the skills you possess. It may be, Dave, that you can take a flip camera in to the Old Trafford changing rooms and video your pre-match team talk and tactics. Word of caution though, you might need a translator or subtitles to your video – you must be speaking in a foreign language as the players look like they don’t know WHAT is going on.
8. Document upload – your team sheet.
Now I see you have had a go at this one already Dave. I have to say, I am all for a joke, but this is serious stuff! You can’t be uploading spoof documents to your kloodle account, future employers will see this!!!! Now take that one down before anyone sees it. If you upload one with Smalling, Cleverley, Young, and Valencia again, we are blocking your account. We are trying to help you here Dave!
So there you have it, that is how David Moyes can utilise the features on kloodle to secure his next premier league job.
I would like to take this opportunity to say that the above article was firmly tongue in cheek. Kloodle recognises the difficulty in being a premier league manager, the stresses, strains and pressures involved. We advocate in no way telling people how to do there job. However, we are more than happy to provide advice on how to spend severance packages. That is the title of our next post!
In the meantime, if you are looking for your step onto the career ladder and think you can market yourself better than Moyesy, sign up for kloodle. We look forward to your company.